What Could Have Been
by Plogop
Summary: Taking mistakes made by other people and writing based on what they've actually said, not what they intended. For example: "What would i get if i added powdered root of Asphodel to an infusion of wormtail?" Series of oneshots.
1. A character named Tonk

**Disclaimer for this entire fanfiction including all later chapters: We do not own Harry Potter or any part of the Harry Potter Franchise.**

**A character named Tonk.**

She is the daughter to Snape, but he didn't know about her, she is also Tonk's second cousin. Tonk, like Snape, didn't know about her; he only knew Snape as his father's lonely old cousin who taught at Hogwarts. He would never have suspected that Snape had a daughter.

One day, Tonk was sitting in his room when an owl tapped on his window. "Hello, owl," he said, opening the window to let the owl in. The owl didn't respond. Instead, it held out a leg, to which a message was attached. "Oh!" exclaimed Tonk, surprised, "I'd forgotten that owls carried post!" He took the message and read it:

_Dear Tonk,_

_You don't know that I exist, but I'm your second cousin – Surprise! In case you were wondering, that means that we have parents who are cousins._

At this point, Tonk stopped. _Snape_ had a kid!? Who would have a kid with _him_?! Tonk liked to swap around his question marks and exclamation marks. Deciding to leave his surprise (and disgust) for later, Tonk continued reading:

_Dear Tonk,_

_You don't know_—

No, further along than that.

…_parents who are cousins. My mum took me to Gringotts recently, because they have this cool service where they discover all the family fortunes that you're secretly the heir to. And it turns out that we're joint heirs to the fortune of the Prince family. Also the Merlin family, and Gryffindor, and Slytherin, and also another one that I can't remember right now… Oh, that's right. The _Riddle_ family._

_Anyway, the thing is, I can't claim any of this unless you're with me. So I want to meet you in a shady location close to Gringotts… how about Knockturn Alley? No, never mind, that place is dange—"_

Tonk didn't need to read another word. To Knockturn Alley he would go!

"Mum," he said as he walked down the stairs, "It turns out that Dad's creepy cousin has a kid who I'm going to go and meet in Knockturn Alley now, okay?"

"Hmm? Oh, that's lovely, sweetheart," said his mother, filling in a crossword puzzle.

Without further ado, Tonk Snape strode out the front door of his house dramatically. Then he remembered that it would probably be faster to travel by Floo powder. So he stormed back _into_ his house meekly and went to the fireplace. Stepping into the fireplace, he called, "OUCH!" because he hadn't thrown the floo powder first, and the flames were quite hot. He then followed the appropriate floo-powder travelling procedure and went to Knockturn Alley.

He left the floo-point in Borgin and Burke's and tried to look confident while he waited for a person he had never seen before and didn't even know the gender or age of.

"Would you like some sloth toenails, dearie?" asked a toothless, wrinkled old hag.

No, he thought to himself. Too old to be Snape's kid. But then again… growing up with _Snape_ as your father would age you prematurely...

"Shall we head to Gringotts?" he asked her.

"Kidnapping! YOU KIDNAPPER!" exclaimed the old woman, and threw her tray of sloth toenails at his face.

Seeing everyone's attention turn to him, Tonk ran.

"Tonk!" exclaimed a voice as he emerged into Diagon Alley.

"Oh, thank God it's you, Gronk," said Tonk, not looking to see who had spoken, but thinking that his imaginary friend Gronk was sounding very feminine today.

"How did you know my name?" demanded the voice, "My dad named me after my second-cousin's imaginary friend! Nobody could know… unlesssssss….." With this string of 's's, she slipped into parseltongue, which only Harry Potter and the heirs to the Riddle family fortune could speak.

When the two children were spotted conversing in parseltongue, they were quickly apprehended by the local law enforcement and thrown in prison on suspicion of being Voldemort's children. Fortunately, they were soon released due to lack of evidence and went to get their fortune. Sadly, all of that part had been a joke that the goblins were playing on witches and wizards who had read too much fanfiction.

The next time Tonk saw his Uncle Severus, he confided in him about the cruel joke that had been played on him and Gronk. As he told the story, he let slip that Gronk was Snape's daughter.

"WHAT?" roared Snape, "I DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER! YOU WERE LUCKY NOT TO BE KILLED! THAT WAS CLEARLY A DEATH EATER IN DISGUISE!"

Gronk had crept into the room behind Tonk to finally meet her father. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

**A/N**: The very first sentence of this chapter was taken from "Life of Cristancia" by Cristancia-the-witch. We were inspired by her creation of the character of Tonk.

Also, this was co-written by me and my brother.


	2. Rag doll soul

**Rag-Doll Soul**

With a scream of pain his soul was ripped from his body and it felt to the ground like a rag doll. The ground was confused at the sudden feeling of a rag doll on it. It realised, after a while, that the unknown man must have cast a spell to auto-transform his soul into a rag doll horcrux just as he was killed.

The ground did not like having horcruxes on it, so it decided to do something about this problem. It shook wildly, and the rag doll flopped about like a rag doll. The baby Harry, who had been sitting and looking at the rag-doll that had been Lord Voldemort, was tossed around wildly as the floor tried to shake Voldemort's soul off it. He wanted a rag doll toy!

Harry's eager baby hands reached out and caught the rag-doll that had been flopping around like a rag-doll while the floor shook. The floor stopped shaking, because it no longer had Voldemort's rag doll soul on it. Harry didn't like that the floor in his room had stopped being exciting, so dropped the rag-doll in annoyance. The floor shook wildly again!

Harry clapped his hands excitedly, and picked up his new rag-doll. This was amazing! He could make the room shake around with his new toy! It was the best toy ever!

Eager to show off his new toy, Harry toddled off downstairs to show his father. His father was asleep on the ground, but Uncle Sirius was there.

"Harry!" Sirius said hoarsely, "You're alive!"

Harry was puzzled. He had always been alive – he wasn't sure why it was suddenly such a big deal. He held the rag doll out excitedly to Sirius to show him the new toy, but as he reached out, the doll slipped from his grasp to the floor.

The floor, as in Harry's earlier experience, started shaking and seething dramatically. Harry cackled, but Sirius looked ashen.

"Sorry, Kiddo," said Sirius, "but I think I'm gonna have to destroy your new toy." What young Harry Potter didn't know is that James and Lily had charmed the floor to detect horcruxes; that was the only reason it could be quaking like it was now.

Without further ado, Sirius cast fiendfyre on Harry's new favourite toy – which unfortunately also happened to be a piece of the Dark Lord's soul. Harry chuckled as he watched, waiting for the moment when Sirius stopped the fire and showed that the toy was still fine.

The fire stopped, revealing a pile of charred ashes. Harry's smile slowly started to fall, and Sirius looked sadly at Harry. Each of them cried a single tear.

**A/N: This chapter was inspired by "Birth of a Phoenix" written by "phoenix catcher". The first sentence is taken directly from midway through the first chapter.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	3. Infusion of Wormtail

**An Infusion of Wormtail**

"What would i get if i added powdered root of Asphodel to an infusion of wormtail?" asked James menacingly. Snape just laughed; James could never pronounce 'I' correctly.

"_Well_?" prompted James, "Root of asphodel, wormtail?"

"It's not up to me to do your Potions homework for you. I think you'll find that it's 'wormwood', though," said Snape.

"Death eater," muttered James, "Only a death eater wouldn't help me with my homework!"

"I'M NO DEATH EATER!" yelled Snape, and he lunged at James.

"Tsk, tsk," chided James, dodging backwards and drawing his wand, "Fighting like a _muggle_ – your _master_ won't be happy about that!"

Snape snarled and drew his wand, and the two of them started to duel.

* * *

Lupin sighed tiredly and rubbed his eyes. He wished people would be quiet outside the library so that he could study in peace. He slammed his potions book shut, deciding it was hopeless and, as a prefect, he should go to investigate the disturbance anyway. At the sound of the slamming book, Madam Pince frowned at him sternly.

"I'm _going_ anyway!" he said to her on his way out.

"You're going down!" shouted a voice from outside.

Remus stopped dead. It was James' voice. James and – was that _Snape_? The _same_ Snape that James had _sworn_ to stop bullying this year? Remus stepped outside the library and yelled, "Stop this at once!" making everyone inside the library murmur with annoyance.

"Make him do my homework for me, Moony!" yelled James, pointing at Snape.

"You said you wouldn't bully Snape anymore. I'll help you with your homework," said Remus, trying to calm down James and Snape.

Snape noticed Lupin's tactic and reacted badly. "I DON'T NEED CALMING DOWN!" he yelled, apoplectic with rage, "HE'S THE ONE THAT NEEDS CALMING DOWN! YOU CALM _HIM_ DOWN!" and with that, Snape billowed off.

"I didn't know that Snape could turn himself into a cloud of smoke," said James, forgetting all about his anger at the extraordinary sight.

Remus sighed, "James, honestly? That's Snape's primary mode of travel. He billows everywhere. Anyway, what's the problem with your homework?"

Just as Remus asked this, Peter Pettigrew walked into the corridor. James hadn't noticed him, but answered Remus' question.

"I just can't get the potions homework. I've looked _everywhere_, and I can't figure out how to even _get_ an infusion of wormtail, let alone add root of asphodel to it."

"Well, I would think that first you'd need to find Wormtail and cut him into pieces," joked Remus.

Wormtail, who had been about to join his friends, overheard this comment. Aghast, he fled.

Alone in the dungeons, he plotted how to get his revenge on them for this traitorous murder plot they'd cooked up. Maybe if he pretended there was a prophecy about James' only son and forced them to go into hiding so he could be a secret keeper and report their location to Voldemort… No, that sounded pretty convoluted. He'd keep it as a Plan B for later.

In the meantime, he could deal with the loss of his only friends. A single tear rolled down his face.

**A/N: The first sentence of this chapter came from a fanfiction that can be found on xanga. It was by somebody called JKR_PadmaPatil_JKR  
**

**Also, people (in this case Remus) "stopping dead" and Snape "billowing" are both things that happen a lot in different fanfictions. So those are honourable mentions. Not that stopping dead is necessarily invalid, just that it's very overused in fanfiction and funny.**

**Co-written by me and my brother**


	4. He vanished with a pop

**Vanish With a Pop**

and before Harry could do anything he vanished with a pop. Ron stared blankly at the space where Harry had been.

"What just happened?" Ron asked.

Harry, having just vanished with a pop, couldn't hear Ron's question, let alone answer it.

"… Is Harry ever going to come back?" Ron asked, to Hermione, who was also there.

"Well," said Hermione, "Let's think logically. Where do vanished objects go? Into non-being, that is to say, everything. So…"

"So Harry's _in_ me? Eurgh," said Ron.

"Oh, Ron," said Hermione, "Harry will always live on, inside of _all_ of us!" and her eyes filled with tears.

"Whatever. I hope that's a metaphor," said Ron.

Right then, Harry popped back into existence. "You hope what's a metaphor?" he asked.

"Er… Hermione was talking about a giant sheep who destroyed a bunch of fields of wheat which caused the peasants to start starving, and then they killed the sheep so that they could eat it for meat, but the meat was poisonous so they all died anyway, and I thought that it's a pointless story unless it's a metaphor for something," said Ron.

"Right…" said Harry, "Hermione, what was actually happening?"

"You vanished into non-being, which is to say, everything," said Hermione.

"So I was in… everything… you and… Ron… EURGH!" Harry said.

"Stop being so immature, Harry," said Ron.

"I'm _not_ immature, Ron!" said Harry, and stuck his tongue out for emphasis.

Ron's feelings were deeply hurt by Harry's rudeness (not to mention his emotional turmoil over his best friend's recent disappearance), and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

"Wait, wait, wait!" said Hermione, "It can't end THERE! Harry's disappearance was never explained!"

"Shut up, Hermione," said Harry.

A single tear rolled down Hermione's cheek.

Harry realised he was a bully and had made _both_ of his friends cry. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

**A/N: The first sentence for this chapter was taken from "The Second Brother" by midnightfire98, chapter two. The person who was actually supposed to be vanishing with a pop was Dobby, but the fact that Harry's the only one mentioned in this sentence means that **_**he**_** is the one who disappears with a pop.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	5. Sill Fighting

**Sill-fighting**

The Order of the Phoenix is sill fighting Voldemort and his Death-Eaters. Some lunatic turned the floor to lava, and the window-sills are the only safe place left to stand; the furniture is all burning up. Harry is experiencing problems, as he doesn't want to stun the death-eaters because they'd just fall to their deaths. On the other hand, he doesn't want to use _Expelliarmus_ because he remembers that it's becoming a trademark for him, and he doesn't want that.

Harry is not involved in the sill-fight per se – he is currently dangling from the lights. Still, he has a hand free, and it's not like he's going to let Bellatrix curse Lupin in the back if he can help it.

"Harry!" screams Hermione from the stair-bannister.

"Yes, what is it Hermione? Sort of busy here!" shouts Harry, almost losing his grip on the light fixture.

"If you cast _aguamenti_ on the lava beneath you, it might solidify into rock and when you fall you won't die!"

"_When_ I fall?" Harry asks affrontedly. While he's distracted, a death eater casts a curse in his direction, knocking him from the light. Right then, Ron dives heroically through the window and knocks Harry over to the stair-bannister with Hermione.

The stair-bannister creaks ominously under their combined weight.

"AGUAMENTI!" Hermione screams, pointing her wand at the lava surrounding them. Hermione had forgotten that the force of the _aguamenti_ spell is proportional to the volume you say it at. Also, as Hermione's spells are naturally more powerful than almost anyone else's, the house is flooded with water. The Order has been paying more attention to Hermione than the Death Eaters have, so they are more prepared to take advantage of the situation when the ground suddenly becomes available to them, albeit with a small coating of water.

The Order members leap in unison from the window sills, rapidly gaining the upper hand on the precariously balanced death-eaters. Furthermore, a cloud of steam shoots into the air, rising to the upper half of the room where the death-eaters remain and scalding them before they can jump to the floor (or be knocked there by the Order members).

All in all, the sill-battle is a massive success for the Order.

"Wait… where's Hermione?" asks Ron. Everyone looks up to the Hermione-shaped hole in the roof, where the force of Hermione's spell has launched her out of the room.

Harry puts a hand on Ron's shoulder. A single tear rolls down Ron's cheek.

Right then, Hermione comes plummeting back into the room, creating another Hermione-shaped hole in the roof. She's fine, though. She casts a cushioning charm.

Ron cries another single tear (of relief this time).

**A/N: The first sentence in this chapter was taken from the summary of "Patronus Totalus" written by Magda the Magpie.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	6. The Couch Boy

"We find that you won't do anything which contains the M word in it while we are gone, seeing that you'd be taken out of that god-forsaken place. But, if so much as a thread is missing from the couch boy, you'll regret it!"

"THOATSH RAAHT!" said the couch boy through his cushion mouth.

"WAGH!" said Harry, "WHEN DID THE COUCH START TALKING?"

"AARF OALWAISSE BEEEN OABAWL TAH TAAAWK!" said the couch boy.

"Wait a minute…" said Harry, "Where's Dudley?"

"AA OAM DAHDLEE!" said the couch boy.

"What _happened_ to you?" Harry asked the couch boy. "Did death eaters attack while I was gone, or something?"

"No," said Vernon. "Dudley turned himself into a couch. Your influence, I expect."

"Ah," said Harry as he understood, "Dudley got so fat that he looks like a couch now."

"DUDLEY IS NOT FAT!" uncle Vernon roared.

Harry chose not to answer. Instead, he stood there silently while Vernon thought over his previous statement.

After several minutes of silence, Vernon spoke again. "Well," he amended, "Maybe a little…"

"AA OAM NAHT FOAT!" said the couch boy (Dudley, unless Harry and Vernon were mistaken).

"Why are you talking like that, Dudders?" asked Petunia worriedly.

"BECOORS YOAHR SITTENG OAN MEE!" said the couch boy.

"AGH!" screamed Petunia and leapt to her feet.

"Oh, that's better," said the couch boy.

Petunia looked at her son properly for the first time in months.

"Duddykins, I think you might need to go on a diet," said Petunia.

Vernon looked appalled. "Anyway," he said, "boy, no use of the M word while we're out. Petunia, we'll discuss this barbaric notion of yours further in the car."

Vernon and Petunia walked out. Harry immediately turned to Dudley.

"You really do look exactly like the couch. Where's the couch?"

"Well… I was sort of a bit hungry while Mum was out one day… And _The Great Humberto_ was on the telly, so I couldn't very well walk all the way to the kitchen… And –"

Harry interrupted. "Say no more! You ate the couch."

"No! I traded it to Piers for a bag of chips."

"Oh," said Harry, greatly relieved. "Well, you know, there are spells for managing your weight. I could help you out with this problem you've got."

"Is that how _you_ stay so skinny?" asked Dudley.

"Well, no, that's got more to do with your mum and dad starving me whenever I'm home. But, anyway…"

Dudley looked blankly at Harry. Seeing as how Dudley looked like a couch, this didn't really come across very effectively. Harry continued looking expectantly at Dudley for a while before he realised that Dudley hadn't gotten his subtle cue to speak.

"Do you want me to cast a spell on you to make you a more decent size and shape?" Harry asked exasperatedly.

"Oh. Yes! Please, please make me thin again! I remember the days when I was thin!"

"Umm… yeah…" said Harry. "Let me think. The spell is…"

Harry raised his wand in preparation, then he suddenly remembered that he wasn't allowed to use magic. Or, as Uncle Vernon had phrased it, anything involving the 'M' word… which he supposed could theoretically mean he wasn't allowed to murder, or something reasonable like that. Still, best to be on the safe side.

"Sorry, Dud," said Harry, "I can't."

Harry strolled out of the room, leaving Dudley stranded in place (because he was too fat to move). A single tear rolled down Dudley's cheek.

**A/N: The very first sentence of this chapter was taken from S.L. Steven's version of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" which can be found on fanfiction.**

**Also, I feel it is appropriate to mention that the single tears we keep using are a recurring theme. We've noticed the single tears in a lot of fanfiction, and we thought it was funny.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	7. Waste Graphing

He graphed her around the waste

Mechanically he graphed her around the waste and pulled her closer to him to deepen the kiss while she put her arms around his neck.

"Wait," she said after a moment. "What was all of that graphing about?"

"I had to graph out how I can fit you into my life as a waste-disposal man," he explained.

"And what did you find out when you graphed the situation?" she asked.

Harry sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Ginny, but I don't think we're going to work out."

"What? Where do the graphs say that?"

"Well…" Harry shifted uncomfortably, "They sort of don't, but your kissing skills are deplorable."

He walked over to a graph. He pointed first to a blue line, then to a red line. "This blue line illustrates your kissing skill. The red line illustrates mine. As you can see, the red line is consistently higher than the blue line."

He then walked to another graph, "And this green line here indicates the amount of practice put into kissing that each of us has had. As you can see, I have had much less practice – but I am still consistently better than you at it. We just won't work out. If we continue to kiss, then my skill will begin skyrocketing while yours will only slightly increase."

"But Harry," said Ginny, "Don't you respect me as a human being? Isn't our relationship based on a deeper, more intimate understanding of one another than just the physicality?"

"Of course," said Harry. "That's why I said my decision wasn't based on the graphs."

"What if… What if I find another boyfriend who doesn't mind me just using him to practice my kissing skills?" asked Ginny desperately.

"Well, as you can see on this graph over here, the time that you would be practising kissing with your other boyfriend would intersect the time that I'm away on waste disposal tasks with attractive women, and my jealousy would undoubtedly lead me to cheat on you."

"I don't mind that!" exclaimed Ginny. "Please, just stay with me!"

"Although you say you don't mind that, this red line over on _this_ graph illustrates that although the level of unhappiness with the situation you experience now is below the level of conscious awareness, it would increase exponentially over time."

"You and your stupid graphs!" exclaimed Ginny. "You know what? _I'm_ leaving _you_! I'm sick of it!"

"But… wait. My graphs didn't predict that. Oh... I've put in the wrong variable over here."

"UGH!" exclaimed Ginny, and she stormed out of the common room.

Meanwhile, Harry got to work redoing all of the graphs, correcting them according to the new value for the variable he had miscalculated. Dawning horror crept up on him as he slowly reached a completely different conclusion from the first time round. His relationship with Ginny would actually have worked out perfectly well, and they would have been married and lived happily together for the rest of their lives. He wasn't even going to _have_ a career in waste disposal.

He thought of all he had lost, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

**First sentence taken from Hogwarts reads the epilogue by lauretteHP**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	8. James Started

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to TransfiguredToad, our first flamer! We took this mistake specially from one of his/her fanfictions. We assume that he/she wanted us to do this, or else why would he/she have flamed us?**

James Started

"I love you, Lilabella Evans. In fact," James started. This epiphany shocked him badly. "I thought it was only a joke!"

"But… what about Lily?" asked Lilabella.

"Well… I love her too. Also in fact. How about I just date both of you?" James suggested.

"Well, you were a lot more surprised about loving me than about loving Lily," said Lilabella. "So maybe you should just date her, since you think that's more in the natural order of things."

"But I was only surprised that I love you because you're so ugly!"

Lilabella tried not to show her hurt.

"No, wait. I didn't mean it like that," James said.

"You did so!" exclaimed Lilabella. "How about you just MARRY your stupid _Lily_ Evans, who's infinitely more _beautiful_ than _I_ could ever be!"

James thought about it. "You know, that makes a lot of sense," he said.

Lilabella forcefully removed the engagement ring from her finger and threw it at James' head.

At that moment, Lilabella's sister, Lily, came into the room.

"Petunia," said Lily, "why are you throwing Vernon's engagement ring at James?"

"Your name is Petunia?" asked James, mouth agape.

"No!" exclaimed Petunia.

"Oh, you're pretending to be Lilabella again, aren't you?" asked Lily, knowingly.

"Well… We can't _all_ be as perfect as YOU!" shrieked Petunia.

"Also, you're engaged?" asked James.

"No," said Lily, confused.

"I was talking to Petunia," said James.

"Where did you _think_ I got the engagement ring from?" Petunia asked sarcastically.

"I thought it was just a fancy ring you were wearing as decoration," explained James.

"It's hardly _fancy_," sniffed Petunia, "That's why I threw it at you. Vernon might get me a more expensive one if I lost this one." She stormed out of the room.

"So, anyway…" said James. "When I was talking to Lilabella… I mean, er, Petunia, she suggested that I should just marry you. Would you like this ring?" he asked Lily.

"Yes! I'd love to marry you!" exclaimed Lily.

"What?" said James. "I wasn't proposing… I just, you know, thought that this ring doesn't belong to me, and you could make sure Petunia or Vernon get it back."

"Oh…" said Lily sadly, and a single tear rolled down her cheek.

**A/N: The first sentence was taken from "All an act" by TransfiguredToad. While not as obvious as spelling mistakes, this punctuation mistake is made quite a lot – speech ends too early. The only conclusion to draw is that, in this instance, James was so surprised he had made this epiphany that he 'started' and blurted it aloud: "I love you, Lilabella Evans. In fact."**


	9. A knock came to the portrait

A knock came to the portrait

As he began, putting ingredients into the cauldron a knock came to the portrait.

'Oh, that's a good one,' he thought to himself.

"What is the new secret knock?" Snape asked the portrait, having noticed the portrait's enlightened expression.

"It goes like this," said the portrait. "Knockity, knock, knock, knock, knockity, knock."

"That's the same as the one you came up with last time," said Snape.

"What do you mean, '_last time_'?" asked the portrait.

"Oh. I developed a solution that causes the occupant of a magical painting to return to his or her original state when applied to the canvas. In your case, it's the moment when you come up with a secret knock. I thought it might be different the second time."

"Why on _earth_ would you think that?" asked the portrait.

"It's not that I thought it _would_ be different. I thought that it _might_ be different. I'm just experimenting."

"So, wait a minute…" the portrait said. "You're saying that I am, in essence, stuck in a loop? I am a looping portrait, and that is all I will ever be, and at the start of every loop I come up with the same secret knock?"

"No, just the one time. You're free of the loop now… but wait. If I added 8 porcupine quills to the mixture, it could create a permanent 8-second repeating loop."

"No!" exclaimed the portrait, "Please, don't!"

"Hmm… this presents quite the ethical dilemma," said Snape.

"No, no! No dilemmas, just the practical side of 'be nice to the poor portrait' – it's really quite easy!"

"I was being sarcastic," said Snape, and added 8 porcupine quills to the mixture. "Although," he added, "I will have to remember not to comment to you again that you're just a looping portrait."

"No… my whole existence… meaningless…" said the portrait. A single tear rolled down his cheek, until the loop ended.

**First sentence for this taken from "Sophia's Choice" by Jellybeanlover2010**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**

**I would also like to extend my thanks to Saeryena for her kind review of the story.**


	10. I was surprise myself

I was surprise myself

_Arianna nodded and replied, "Trust me, I was surprise myself!"_

"_Did you say you _were_ surprise?"_

"_Yes," she confirmed, "and a terrible existence it was, too… So many people hating me, but others loving me, constantly awaiting me…"_

"_So… when I was surprised when you said that you were surprise, how did that work?"_

"_Well, I _was_ surprise. I'm not anymore. So, when I revealed my past job to you, the person currently in my past job had to come and make you surprised."_

"_I see. How long is it since you were surprise? Were you surprise on my 10__th__ birthday, for example?"_

"_Yes, Harry. And I'm sorry that I had to surprise you in such a way…"_

"_No, it was fine. I love mustard-yellow, and really I couldn't have kept anything much larger than a coat hanger in the cupboard under the stairs."_

"_Oh, but Harry… that was me too! You were so surprised when your previously loving Aunt threw you in the cupboard under the stairs…"_

"_Yes, but it's not like anything any worse than that happened to surprise me in my life…"_

"_Oh, no? What about that time when Quirrel took off his turban and you saw Voldemort's face beneath it?"_

"_That was _you_? I mean, it was Voldemort, obviously, but you were _there_?"_

"_Yes," Arianna said, "It was that sad event that finally convinced me I had been surprise for far too long… so I decided one last mission, where I could surprise Albus that I was still alive…"_

"… _YOU'RE DUMBLEDORE'S SISTER, ARIANA DUMBLEDORE?!"_

Harry jerked awake abruptly.

"What's wrong, Harry?" asked Dumbledore, who had been waiting for Harry to wake up in the hospital wing.

"Your sister, Ariana… Wait… do you even have a sister named Ariana? Well… if you do, I just had a dream that she was still alive!"

"I am afraid that cannot be, Harry," said Dumbledore, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

**First sentence taken from "It must be genetic" by RegalPrincessOfMagic**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	11. Tear whipping

She gasped and turned around and when she saw him she hurried to whip all the tears away from her eyes. It was a handy bit of magic if you didn't want someone to know you'd been crying, but it did leave rather painful whip-marks. And they were rather obvious, too. Nobody would know you'd been crying, but they would know that your eyes had been whipped. Fortunately, Ginny was happy to deal with the pain rather than show her weakness in front of her brothers.

"Ginny," said Ron, "Have you been using that _stupid_ tear-whipping charm again?"

"No," said Ginny, unconvincingly.

"Uh… Ginny," said Fred, "You've got giant whip marks all over your face."

"Uh… I was just abducted by Death Eaters and tortured, okay?" said Ginny.

"WHAT?" yelled Mrs Weasley, who had just walked into the room.

"Ginny was abducted by Death Eaters and tortured!" yelled Ron.

"Oh, right… Well, if that's all, I've got things to do," said Mrs Weasley. She saw through Ginny's lie, of course, but didn't want to embarrass her.

Fred eyed Ginny suspiciously. Ginny eyed Fred painfully.

"C'mon, sis," said Fred, "I've got some ointments that will cure those whip-marks and prevent permanent blindness."

"Oh, you're so considerate!" said Ginny, starting to feel tears well up in her eyes. Hastily, she excused herself to the bathroom to deal with her tears. She whipped them away before anyone could notice. Unfortunately for her, Fred had followed her to ensure she wasn't death-eater-napped again.

"YOU TOLD US THAT YOU WEREN'T USING THAT STUPID TEAR-WHIPPING CHARM AGAIN!" yelled Fred.

"Well, I'm not!" said Ginny, "It's a different variation that Hermione taught me, much less likely to cause permanent blindness. It's not like I'm stupid, Fred, honestly."

"I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"You know what?" said George, who was never far away from Fred, "I'm confiscating your wand until I deem it safe for you to have it back." George reached over and plucked Ginny's wand from her hand.

"But… but… you can't!" complained Ginny, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. But she could no longer do anything about it…

**First sentence taken from Hogwarts reads the epilogue by lauretteHP**

**Co-written by me and my brother**


	12. All Indices

All Indices

All indices showed that he was indeed telling the truth. Harry had been researching manically, trying to find proof that he had not gone insane and that Voldemort was, indeed, back. He had found it. When taking the first word from the index in the back of each of his school textbooks, it quite clearly spelled out, 'Voldemort will return in Harry's fourth year at Hogwarts.' I mean, sure he had to run it through an 84-billion-page-long decryption algorithm before the code revealed itself, but it was there.

Harry, finally having found the proof he needed, immediately set about writing a letter to his friend Hermione, who would surely understand his research. In case it was intercepted, he used the same algorithm to encode the message.

_Dear Hermione,_

_R Se4 EE/A Tnfi a 8 ! oo 22 adf gor bm fkfurbshvsibycsugbciusegviue rsbnkvhjrnhucbuiybesrrutbvnu hbcuisbcmurgybriugcybsmiucbg dfyubgmic yubsuigbyisuygbmucbgiubgsuye brhgberbkgjkncuxnduhbuhBIUSH BFUHBESUHMvbfuhbuxibhfmuydsb _

_Your friend, _

_Harry._

There! She was sure to understand it perfectly. He sent it off with Hedwig immediately.

Hermione was delighted when she saw that Harry, missing for 8 months now, had sent her a message. After he had gone through that phase of insisting Voldemort was back, she had become quite worried about him. She opened the letter and read it.

"Oh no," she groaned, "He's still on about that rubbish that Voldemort has returned…"

Then Hermione re-read the note more thoroughly, noticing a secret message encoded within the encoded message. It seemed Harry had managed to find conclusive proof that Voldemort had returned. She had to go and share this news with Ron immediately!

She ran to her desk where she took out a pen and paper and jotted down a quick message to send to Ron:

_Dear Ron,_

_I would encode this but I know you wouldn't understand, you're far too stupid. So I'll be straightforward – Harry has found conclusive proof that Voldemort has returned!_

_Love,_

_Hermione_

She tied the letter to Crookshanks' leg and sent him flying to Ron. Luckily that levitation charm she'd found worked very effectively on her poor cat.

When Ron received the message, he decided that there was something off about it… Hermione would never call him stupid! Unless… Harry and Hermione were having a secret affair behind his back! That must have been why Harry hadn't been heard from in 8 months!

Ron wrote a letter to send back to Hermione:

_Dear hermione,_

_I am outrayged at your insituation that I am stupid. I now that I am not as smart as you're, but I am not stupid. You are._

_From,_

_Ron._

After sending the letter, Ron re-read what Hermione had written to him, and noticed that she had actually signed off with "love".

A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Hermione received Ron's letter. She read it, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. She couldn't possibly help Harry when she was so deeply involved with her own relationship problems; she'd better write him immediately…

Later that day, Crookshanks flew through Harry's window. The disgruntled cat eyed Harry grumpily.

"Sorry, Crookshanks… I guess I should've sent Hedwig to get Hermione's letters for me…" said Harry. A single tear rolled down Crookshanks' cheek at Harry's inconsiderateness.

Harry unbound the letter from Crookshanks' leg and unrolled it to read. It said that Hermione and Ron were abandoning him (in code, of course).

After several hours spent cracking the code, a single tear rolled down Harry's cheek.

**First sentence is taken from the first chapter of 'Forging Destiny' written by 'White Angel of Auralon'  
**

**Thanks to 'Lily F. Lux' for locating the source, which until now I didn't have.**

**Anyway:**

**Co-written by me and my brother**


	13. It wagged his tail at him

Wagged his tail at him

It didn't look frightening, it even wagged his tail at him. Wait… what was it doing with his tail? Come to think of it, since when did Harry even _have_ a tail? Something fishy was going on around here…

Then Harry remembered. He had become an animagus and learned how to turn himself into a goldfish. He had been quite happily swimming in a river when this great big bird thing had swooped down and scooped him up – and it was now wagging his tail at him.

Shortly after realising all of this, he forgot again.

It didn't look frightening, it even wagged his tail at him. Wait… what was it doing with his tail? WHAT WAS IT DOING WITH HIS TAIL? Something fishy was going on around here…

Then Harry remembered. He'd thought that thought before. He had to escape from this thing's talons, before it ate him! But wait… why would it eat him? It didn't look frightening, it even wagged his tail at him.

Harry was getting so frustrated with his puny goldfish mind. He turned himself back into a human.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAHH!" he screamed as he plummeted towards the ground. Luckily, they were flying over Hogwarts, and Dumbledore was strolling outside at the time. Noticing his favourite pupil plummeting towards certain death, Dumbledore sprung into action. He turned himself into a majestic phoenix and caught Harry.

Later, in Dumbledore's office, Harry was struggling to explain himself. Dumbledore peered at him knowingly. He didn't actually know anything in particular, but he was a very knowledgeable man. Harry, being peered at knowingly, blurted out his secret. "Sirius trained me to be an animagus before he died! I was using my form to escape Privet Drive!"

"That was reckless, Harry! I absolutely forbid you from ever using any animagus form ever again!" yelled Dumbledore calmly.

Harry felt Dumbledore's disappointment resound within him, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

**First sentence taken from "Forging Destiny" by White Angel of Auralon.**

**I'm just saying, that 'yelled Dumbledore calmly' thing was deliberate. It's something that happens in other fanfiction - Dumbledore acts out of character so the author just adds an adjective or adverb that doesn't match to fix it. For example, yelling calmly. This is not specific to White Angel of Auralon's fanfiction, and I'm not sure that he/she even does it. I don't read the whole fanfiction we take a sentence from.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	14. Shock Snape

Shock Snape's Head

Snape did not answer but shock his head. That will make him answer. He has never been able to cope with this thing that muggles call 'electricity'. Of course, electricity doesn't work around magic, so you'll have to become a muggle first. In order to do so, you will have to give up everything that defines you.

Oh, what's that? A single tear is rolling down your cheek. You whinging baby. You're _pathetic_. You can't even give up your life to please me. Why, I'm so saddened by your terrible performance that a single tear is rolling down my cheek. But not for long, you miserable failure.

_Crucio!_

Ha-ha-ha.

Wait. You were already a muggle, you say? In that case, that family I just killed must have been yours. You poor soul. But still… you won't shock Snape for me! Come on, what have you got to lose?

That's right, _nothing_! I already took it _all!_

Oh, a single tear is rolling down your cheek again. How these tears frustrate me…

_Avada kedavra!_

**Sophia's Choice by Jellybeanlover2010**

**I realise this is a very short chapter, and I'm sorry if you're disappointed. Most of our chapters are pretty short, because there's only so long you can go on based on an error made by the original author.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	15. Bee Warned

Sirius is a bee

"Very well then. Sirius should bee here soon to discuss your future plans, I shall see then."

At that very moment, Sirius came buzzing through the door. Harry ducked, because he was allergic to bees. Dumbledore eyed Harry strangely. Sirius sat down seriously, placing his feet on Harry's head; that had been his ploy all along.

"Hey!" shouted Harry, standing up angrily, "I'm not a foot rest!"

Standing up with refreshed fury, Sirius removed his feet from Harry's head, "You didn't lose your two best friends, did you? You're not forced to look at some boy's head every day, a boy's head that looks just like HIS! "

Harry was very offended. "I don't look like Voldemort," he stated. Sirius thought this was an intentionally offensive phrase, and so he was also very offended. So offended, in fact, that he chose to bee off immediately. Raising his hands in a matter-of-fact fashion, he proceeded to wave them up and down as he left, prancing out the door in a fury unique only to Sirius.

"…Well," said Dumbledore, "I guess you can discuss you future plans with me, instead?"

Harry immediately nodded and regained his footing, "I was just going to consult with you. I want to become more tolerant of bees, particularly large ones with black hair that were imprisoned for 12 years."

"Ah," said Dumbledore sadly, "I'm afraid that I can't help you with that particular future plan."  
Harry sighed, deciding to just eliminate the letter 'e' altogether, so Sirius would never bee again. He would only ever be able to 'b'.

"That's okay," said Harry cautiously, avoiding the letter 'e'. "I'll just not us th lttr 'e' anymor."

Little did Harry know, he had created the first forms of chatspeak.

Dumbledore, unfortunately, was all too aware of this fact. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

**The first sentence was taken from Chapter 18 of "Harry Potter and the Hero's Path" by TheJackOfDiamonds.**

**This chapter is different in that it is co-written by me and my sister, as opposed to me and my brother.**


	16. Reel Show Off

"That Harry Potter is a reel show off."

"I know, right? He only catches things because of his superior fishing pole."

"Even if it was his own skill, what's so impressive about fishing?"

Harry tried hard to ignore the hurtful whispers. He had taken up fishing after Voldemort's final fall. The peaceful nature of fishing helped him put the horrible memories out of his mind. He hadn't, really, even been trying to show off – he was just fishing in the lake at Hogwarts, and then Dennis Creevey had taken a photo and put it up all over the school. A photo in which he just happened to be catching the Giant Squid (although he had thrown it back, of course).

Now everyone thought he was a reel show off.

A single tear rolled down his cheek.

**From "Harry Potter and the Return" (formerly Harry Potter Returns to Hogwarts) by 16andrewp**

**Harry likes showing off his fishing reel.**

**Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to leave a review.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


	17. Tattered Cloaks

Tattered Cloaks

The man he was holding was a short stubby man, with tattered cloaks. Fortunately, the different layers of tattered cloaks were all tattered in different places, so the man was decently covered. Well, Harry had thought so, anyway, until the man turned around in his grip. Harry tried not to dwell on it, and instead began the interrogation. "Who told you I would be here?" he demanded.

"Who do you think?" asked the man, playing for time.

Harry considered it. "Malfoy! Or… Voldemort! They're my nemeses."

"Nope."

"Oh…" said Harry, "So, not my nemeses… Let me think, who's the most unlike my nemesis…? Oh, I know! Was it Ron?"

"What? Of course not." The man smiled a little, revealing rotten teeth.

"Oh! Wait, that's a clue! Was it Florean Fortescue?"

"Honestly, Potter," growled the man. "No, and for future reference, not every single thing I do is a specially designed clue for you!"

"Hmm… who _else_ wasn't always doing things that were specially designed clues… Peeves?"

"You know what? Yes. Yes, it was _Peeves_. The poltergeist."

"I knew it!" said Harry. "First day as an Auror, and I'm solving crimes like a machine!"

The man with tattered cloaks and rotten teeth rolled his eyes. Harry gasped dramatically. "And you! You're… MAD-EYE MOODY!"

"Umm…" said the man, spotting a way out of Azkaban, "Yep! I sure am!"

"What are you doing in here, Moody? We all thought you were dead!" said Harry excitedly.

"It was… um, it was a test! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" roared the impostor.

"Well, if I had any doubts about it, they're gone now," said Harry happily. "Let's get you re-instated immediately as head of the Auror office!"

"Oh, no, no… I think it might be time I retired," said the impostor.

"Oh… well then, I suppose that's why you're hiding in this cell in Azkaban. I'll leave you alone now, I don't want to bother you."

"No, wait, come back!" called the old man as Harry wandered away.

"Honestly," said Harry, "I'm not _that_ stupid."

"Hey," called a different inmate. "I'm, uh… Freddy! I think. I mean, I uh, I might have forgot my name a bit, but I think that was it."

"Oh, Fred!" exclaimed Harry, "I thought you were dead! George has missed you so much! Come on, let's get you out of this cell."

"That's right! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" shouted the inmate.

"Such a prankster," said Harry fondly.

He reached to open the door then paused. "Wait… this door is set to trigger some sort of practical joke, isn't it?"

The inmate, not knowing what 'Fred' would say, didn't answer. "I'm not falling for that," said Harry, and moved further down the corridor.

Ron appeared at the end of the corridor. "Harry, stop playing with the prisoners' minds. It's not very nice," he said.

"Bellatrix!" shouted Harry, and whipped out his wand.

"No," sighed Ron tiredly. "I'm not Bellatrix. I'm your moral compass, remember?"

"Same thing," complained Harry.

Ron was deeply offended and hurt by Harry's cutting remark. But not by his cutting curse, which sailed past Ron to hit Bellatrix, who was standing behind him.

"Oh," said Ron, hearing Bellatrix's scream of pain.

"Wait," said Harry. "Wasn't Bellatrix _also_ dead?"

"Fooled… you…" gasped out Hermione.

"What?!"

A single tear rolled down Ron's cheek (and to a lesser extent Harry's).

**From "Harry Potter and the Return" (formerly Harry Potter Returns to Hogwarts) by 16andrewp**

**Why the first character introduced is wearing multiple tattered cloaks, we'll never know.**

**Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to leave a review.**

**Co-written by me and my brother.**


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